Without realizing that  giving him one hundred percent of the blame,  also gave him 100 percent of the power.  I had given away my power to  make myself happy as well.

Your Happiness Is Your Job

Take back your power by deciding that you are responsible for your own happiness.  A decision is one of the most powerful tools you can use to change your life.  Put your hand on your heart and say the words. “I decide______________ then fill in the blank with your decision.  Some simple but life changing things you might say include:

I decide to leave work today before I am so exhausted that I don’t have the energy to go and have some healthy exercise.

I decide from now on to  buy only healthy snacks at the store so I don’t have temptation at home.

I decide to go get a haircut, so that I’ll feel like I look good.

You are in charge of your happiness. Consciously choose to make the decision to do things that make you happy so that you can go to bed feeling good.

Tomorrow’s topic: Defusing the anger time bomb aimed at your spouse.

What if someone else is putting food on your plate?  I’m sure many of us have seen parents making the choices for their children, putting broccoli and carrots on a plate for a child who would have preferred sweets and pastries.  We may have even seen people being restrained by their spouses from making the food choices they most wanted.

Who is making the decisions for you? If it is someone other than you, there is a problem. Let’s look at what people who are in charge of their plate at the buffet and by extension their lives know.

1. The Power of No

Stop people from putting things on your plate that you don’t want by saying no.  It might be non-confrontational to let people give you a lot of tasks to do that will help them out. You might  feel lucky to be included, or grateful for any scrap of positive attention that comes your way.  Are you afraid of hurting feelings by being non-compliant? Then you may not realize that life is not just full of take it or leave it choices.  You can actually say, “No,” “Not today,” or “If I do that, will you do this?” when someone asks you to do something.

Only when you have a real no, do you have a real yes. You need to have a goal and a plan you are committed to and when you worry about doing your best work rather than making other people happy, you can say no without guilt. By the way, when you stop being so helpful, don’t be surprised when the people who took advantage of you before won’t be happy. They will either adjust or you might choose to move to a new situation where you can establish new rules.

2. Ask for what you want

Many buffets have a carving station.  Picture that the chef has a ham, a roast beef, pork chops and chicken.   You can have any or all choices.  Do you tell the chef what you want?  Or do you let the chef decide what to give you?  The chef has no way of knowing what you like so he most likely will either give you want he has the most of or what ever is easiest to give you. Be in charge of your plate. When you see something that interests you, you need to ask for it.

Nora Ephron was quoted by Mika  Brenzinski in her book  Knowing Your Value as saying, “You can’t expect men to take us seriously if we don’t take ourselves seriously.  That is just the truth.  It would be sweet if they did, and we didn’t have to do anything.”

Take yourself seriously and ask for what you want.  Don’t expect other people to read your mind and know what will make you happy. Don’t try to read theirs and pick what makes them happy.

3. Know when to say when

Sometimes something looks tasty when it isn’t.  Sometimes eating something 50 times is fun but the 51st time you are tired of it.  In both cases the answer is to notice that your choice is no longer working for you.  Again it is up to you to realize when a job or a relationship no longer feeds your soul, and be willing to try something new. Nobody is forcing you to stay somewhere where you are not treated well.  Nobody is requiring you to do the same thing day after day.  Take charge of your plate and take charge of your life.

If any of the following makes you anxious:

1. Saying No.
2. Asking for what you want.
3. Knowing when to say when.

Then invest in a three pack of LifeLine sessions so that you you can connect with your essential self.  For the month of October  2011, I am running a special three sessions for the price of two.  That is a $75 savings. Click here to schedule your first session.  Make sure you tell me you want the October Special.

What happens to you if you realize that you are gay, transgendered or bi-sexual? Now you are at risk of being excluded, not solely because of yourself, but because of who you love. Since love and acceptance are basic needs it sets up a horrible conflict.  You can either love the people you are attracted to and risk being hated for that, or you can admire them from afar and forever be lonely and dissatisfied.

As the Military adjusts to the changes that the repeal of  “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” which allows Gays and Lesbians to serve openly in the military.  Society outside of the Military has to adjust too.

Lesbian tells her commanding officer she dated gay men to blend in during "Don't Ask Don't Tell."

How do we begin to find tolerance for one another? How do we erase years of being taught to hate anything that is different from ourselves? Can we learn to see what is?

Because bring LGBT was forbidden, anyone who felt those feelings was condemned. If anyone prayed on or abused LGBT the victim was regarded as deserving the pain inflicted on them. But if we see bullying, rape, and torture as always wrong then it is easy to see that punishing the perpetrators is always right.  There has been a change in consciousness brought about by those who have loved and lost people to hate.  In October 2009, President Obama signed into Law the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, the measure expands the 1969 United States federal hate-crime law to include crimes motivated by a victim’s actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability.

What can be done to turn hate into love?  In December 1998, Judy and Dennis Shepard founded the Matthew Shepard Foundation, which supports diversity and tolerance in youth organizations.  In 2001, The Point Foundation was created as the first and largest national foundation to support academic achievement in higher education among lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender students by providing financial support, mentoring and hope to meritorious students who are marginalized due to sexual orientation, gender expression or gender identity.

As individuals, we need to make peace both within ourselves and with those around us.  If you feel hate towards others because of their differences or if you feel hate toward yourself because you cannot be like others, consider working out your pain through the LifeLine Technique.  You are worthy of love and valuable in all you bring to the world.  Your unique gifts and talents will never be duplicated by anyone else.  Let your light shine.

When you care more about what other people say than you care about what you think or what you feel you have just given away your power in the situation every time.

Depending on how many times you have sacrificed your feelings, needs and goals in order to make others happy, may well effect how you take in the rest of this blog post.  When you decide that you are in charge of your world, you are in the position to change how the world treats you.

The corollary is also true. When you are willing to play the victim, you be cast in that role over and over again.

Women in particular have been taught that the way to be accepted is through hard work and self-sacrifice.  They also make one fifteenth what men make according to author Mika Brzezinski in her book Knowing Your Value Women, Money, and Getting What You Are Worth.  “I was my own worst enemy,” reveals Brzezinski.  She admitted that she could see when other people’s stock was up in the work place but not her own.  It put her at a tremendous disadvantage not only did she not know when the time was right to ask for more money, she didn’t know how to ask.  She is not unusual.

Brzezinski interviewed powerful women including Senior Adviser to  President Obama Valerie Jerrett.  Jerrett recounts that  early in career for the City of Chicago’s Department of Law she continued to get additional responsibilities but did not get promotions or salary advancement.  Her mentor, Lucille Dobbins advised her to ask for a promotion.

“Lucille said to me, ‘You are doing more work than your supervisor…you should be a deputy.’ I said, ‘Well my boss knows I’m working hard, and he values what I’m doing.’ She said, ‘You can’t sit around waiting for people to recognize your work, you have to ask for it.  You need to go in there and tell him you should be a deputy.  And you should tell him you want to be in the front suite of offices, because he doesn’t have a woman in the front suite.’”

Jaerett then went on to tell how she thought this was horrible advice, but she followed it and her boss just looked at her and said “Okay”.

“Jarrett was shocked.  She got the promotion and the front office.  ‘I felt that if I was deserving, then my boss should recognize that I was deserving, she reasons.  That’s what bosses do.’”

Jarrett is forever grateful that her mentor taught her that she was not valuing her own work and she needed to be her own best advocate.  Jarrett says that asking for that promotion “was one of the most uncomfortable conversations that I have ever had.”  Women wait to be recognized.  Men charge the hill. “If you’re not asking for a promotion and you’re waiting for your merit to be recognized, men are going to hire you to be close, but you’re not going to get the gold ring.”  The entire book, Knowing Your Value, contains more stories from women such as Tina Brown editor-in-chief of Newsweek, Carol Smith chief brand officer of Elle, and Sheryl Sandberg, chief operating officer of Facebook.  Reading this book is well worth the time.

Here’s my challenge to you. Look into the mirror every morning and evening for a week and tell that person in the mirror.  “You are valuable.  I love you unconditionally.”

I predict something will change for you.  Comment on this blog and let us know what changed.

It would be nice if children were told that no one pleases everyone.  It would also be helpful if kids were reminded that in this modern world you do not have to associate with people from the time you are born until you die if you don’t like them. The time of being isolated in a village are over.  However, you can still become emotionally blocked by people who were not kind.  For example, if  as you were going through school people gossiped about you, or if you were always picked last to be on a team, or if your teacher made you feel bad about your ability to do anything it  can create a sense of  unworthiness.  Feeling unworthy puts you into survival mode which means you pull back into yourself and attempt to be noticed as little as possible to avoid rejection or ridicule.

Are you a Lone Ranger?

One response to feeling rejected is becoming the “Lone Ranger”. A Lone Ranger relies on themselves and does as much as they can by themselves.  Initially this solves the problem of being rejected, however, it creates another problem, isolation.  We didn’t come to the earth plane to act alone, we came here to learn how to be with others in relationship.

What can parents or friends do?

If you have a friend or child who has been isolated by rejection, gossip, or ridicule that person needs to have someone who shows interest in them by witnessing and valuing them.  If you are feeling isolated, you can ask this of one of your friends or admired relatives to help you move out of survival mode and into community mode.

One of my favorite teachers Sonia Choquette suggests that you witness and encourage the person by communicating with the person every day.  You can do this by phone or email.  Ask the following questions:

1. What have you done to nourish your spirit today?
2. What have you done to nourish your creativity today?
3. What have you done for your physical health today?

Witnessing someone helps them to continue doing their personal work without fail and it helps them to re-enter the community as a positive contributor. Many of us have seen a child misbehave because they want attention.  For example, a child might fight over a video game with a sibling when they are feeling lonely.

Redirect the bad behavior by asking the child to do something they do well such as read you a story or draw you a picture, or if they are older something interesting that they learned that day.  By witnessing a positive action of the child, you will teach them a positive way to engage with you to get your attention.

If you are feeling isolated and can’t find someone who will help you, consider a LifeLine Technique session.  The LifeLine can help you to release any stuck emotion including isolation.  Click on the Book Now Icon to get an appointment so that you can remove your internal barriers to connection with others and your  happiness.

For more information on what you can do to resolve issues of not feeling valuable, lovable, or worthy as an adult,  sign up to the right for Seven Lessons You Came to Earth to Learn.

The first lesson is about feeling a positive connection to your family and friends.

Take this quick quiz and see how you are doing.

1. Are you or were you loved and appreciated by your parents?
2. Do you feel loved by a spouse or significant other?
3. When there is a job that needs doing do you feel that you can step in an do what needs to be done?
4. Do you feel full worthy of love?
5. Do others listen to you and follow your direction?
6. Do you feel like you are living in a friendly world?
7. Do you feel a connection to your home here on earth and to source energy beyond?

If you have more than one negative answer it could be that you need to strengthen the  connect to the base of your power.  Here is an affirmation for the first lesson:

I am valuable, lovable and worthy of respect.

In a family that functions well, your parents fall in love with you the minute you are put into their arms.  No matter how many children are added to the family each child is treated as unique and wonderful.  These families are rare. Many parents see their child as a reflection of themselves and so they are more interested in controlling your behavior than developing you as an individual.  Don’t blame them. This is how they were raised.  Paradoxically, it is often your grandparents who see you as a wonderful unique individual.  They have already raised their children and made their mistakes and now they see the choices that they did not take.

What can parents do?

No parent sits up late at night and wonders how they can hurt their child.  Yet parents send their children messages every day that tell them they are not living up to expectations.  These messages stay with children until they create an internal sense of being valuable, loveable, and worthy.

You can notice when your child does something right.  Praise them in the moment and share the story of the positive achievement later on at family celebrations or when talking to your friends.

The LifeLine method of healing teaches us that when we have trouble connecting to people  emotions can become frozen in order to protect yourself from re-experiencing pain or fear. Over time these frozen emotions may call attention to themselves by creating symptoms of disease, that will cause you to change your behavior.  Emotions are energy and they want to flow rather than remain static.  The LifeLine Technique helps you deal with the emotions life’s challenges create in you in a safe, supportive environment.

For more information on what you can do to resolve issues of not feeling valuable, lovable, or worthy as an adult,  sign up to the right for Seven Lessons You Came to Earth to Learn.

Tomorrow ‘s blog explores: What happens at school to contribute to feelings of  being valuable, lovable, or worthy.

Last Thursday, my good friend Todd Wees  transitioned from the physical after his body failed to repel pancreatic cancer.  His wife, Joy, will miss him terribly for a long time and yet in her grief, she keeps noticing things that remind her that he is actively still present. Previously when she could not find something, she would ask Todd to help her look for it and the object would soon be found. In Todd’s absence, she asked her brother to help her and he was able to immediately locate things even if they were in strange places.  She felt that Todd was helping her brother find things. I think she was right.

What I also know to be true is that in time as her grief lessens she will be able to once again call on Todd and get his help.  As a friend, my job is to affirm his presence and encourage her to interact with him.

People who transition from physical to non-physical can go into the light and be with God and still interact with us.  The only difference is that when someone is physically in the room with you and you ignore them, they can touch you to get your attention.  Non-physical beings for the most part can’t do that any more. Usually, you can choose to ignore them or to interact with them.

If you have a friend or loved one who has passed away, you can write them a letter and know that they will see what is in your heart.  You can forgive them, or explain something to them so they will know your true intentions.  If you allow it, you may receive a message beck from them as well in the form of a comment from a friend or relative, by seeing an answer on a sign or billboard you didn’t notice before or even in hearing a song you both loved on the radio when you turn it on.

My friend Todd loved jokes and humor and he often encourages me to turn on the TV to a particular station or inspires me to look at a news headline or greeting card that is amusing. These suggestions are appreciated as I am always up for a laugh.

During times like these a lot of emotions rush over you one right after the other.  They may include fear, anger, outrage, bewilderment, relief, sadness, frustration, confusion and powerlessness.  As you walk to the car a giant worry floats into your mind as you wonder what your spouse will say.  How will your extended family and friends react?  How will you live?  How much will unemployment pay?  Are you going to lose everything?

You go home and deal with telling your spouse.  Now your spouse is feeling all of the emotions you felt earlier.  Most likely your spouse wants reassurance that everything is going to be all right, just at the time when you want someone to reassure you.  It is not uncommon for fear and anger to speak during this initial conversation causing psychological damage to yourself or damage to the relationship.

You rapidly spiral into depression. You might feel that no one believes in you and why should they? You just lost your job.  Or you might not feel anything at all except a sense of unreality.  These things must be happening to someone else.

What needs to happen next is for you to go through the grief process.  Everyone has their own pace, but if you would like to get through this dark night of the soul more quickly here are five tips:

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Get a spiral notebook and write down whatever it is you are feeling.  Anger, fear, worry and then go through the five W’s who, what , when, where,  and why, plus how. Answering these questions will allow you to examine the feeling without being overwhelmed by it. Your feelings may change rapidly throughout the day, so you may need to do this more than once.
2. Tell the total truth about your job. When your feelings are manageable journal about your job. What did you like about it?  What did you hate?  What about your co-workers?  How did your boss support you or not support you?
3. Do something physical.  Go for a walk every day.  Work out at the gym if you have a membership.  Moving your body will help unlock your mind especially if it has been stuck on one thought or one emotion.
4. Network with new people. Check Meetup.com or your local paper for professional groups with your interest.  Go out and meet new people and find out what companies are hiring right now.
5. Talk to your friends and find out who knows someone who knows someone who is hiring.  Ask for referrals and recommendations.

Taking action will keep you moving.  If you find that you are feeling numb and not able to process your emotions you might want to try a LifeLine session.  A LifeLine session will help you identify the emotion that has you locked up and it will help you to handle it in a safe constructive way.  Do you have questions.  Click the link and book a complementary session.